I Release What Hurt Me

Some pain doesn’t leave… it lingers.

In this episode, we talk about the difference between rehearsing hurt and actually healing. If you’ve been replaying conversations, carrying disappointment, or struggling to let go — this is your invitation to release it.

You don’t have to carry what broke you.

Comment “FREE” if you’re choosing healing.

Awaken the wide-eyed woman within.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello beautiful. Take a breath. You're exactly where you need to be. Welcome to the Big Eye Girl Podcast, a space for real conversations, honest reflection, and learning how to see life through a bigger, wider lens. I'm so glad you're here. Whether you press play because you're searching for clarity, growth, or just a moment to breathe and feel seen, you're in the right place. And around here, we talk about things that shape us the challenges, the shifts, the lessons, and the quiet moments in between that often matter the most. This is a space where you don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to be open. So wherever you are right now, driving, walking, or just sitting with your thoughts, settle in. Take what you need from this conversation and allow yourself to see things a little differently today. Let's get into it. Today we're not rushing. This episode requires space. I want you to think about the last thing that hurt you, not irritated you, hurt you. The breakup you didn't see coming. The betrayal you tried to excuse. The disappointment you swallowed. The apology you never received. I remember a season where I said, I'm fine. Oh I'm good, I'm fine. But I wasn't fine. I was functioning. There's a difference. I was still working, still serving, still smiling, still showing up, still doing the things, still there for my son, still going, being there for my clients, just functioning. But it internally, I was replaying conversations, rewriting endings, wondering what I could have done differently. In the truth, I wasn't healing. I was rehearsing. That's right. Rehearsing the play over and over again. Can we talk about that? There's a difference between healing and rehearsing. Rehearsing sounds like if I had said this, if I had done that, if I was more patient, if if if kid if if if kiss shoulda shulda shoulda coulda woulda. Healing sounds like that hurt, that matter, that changed me. Rehearsing keeps you stuck in the story. Healing lets you process the impact. And here's where emotional maturity begins. Not in pretending it didn't hurt, but in admitting that it did. And this is where many strong women struggle. Because strong women don't like admitting pain. Girl, I got it. I could do it. I don't need your help. Oh, I'm good. Oh no, I'm fine. Oh, I'm okay. I'm praying about it. Girl, God got me. Because strong women don't like emitting pain. We pride ourselves on resilience. But resilience without release becomes hardness. And hardness is not healing. I remember oh the storyteller that I am. I remember after breaking up with my son's father. And because of the devastation of the the breakup, me catching, no, not me catching him in the act of cheating, but me seeing video of him the act of cheating. And the fact that he had it on his computer as if he was still actively doing it. So and the portrayal of that, and on top of that portrayal, the loss of my first pregnancy, my emotions were enraging. My emotions were untamed. They were boiling and ready to explode at any time. And I was trying to keep the lid on the pot, and it was not working. So I was looking for anything in anyone to bail me out, excuse me, to bail me out of all the confusion, all of the pain that I physically was not wearing. You couldn't see it on me. That's God's grace. But I wasn't listening to my heart. I wasn't listening to my emotional state. I just wanted to be free of the pain, and I did not want to go to the throne of God. I didn't want to wait for God to do or say, or I wanted it immediately. I wanted it expeditiously. So I ran into another relationship. And that relationship was nothing that I would have pursued in my consciousness, in a healthy state, let me say. In real realness, I wouldn't have. I just seen a way of escape. I seen a man that was, he had benefits, he had a good career, and it was like, okay, perfect. You better than what I had, you probably won't cheat. That was what I was thinking. And I was like, oh, okay, let me just let's just have a good time. That's what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking that I was running away from myself. I thought that I was looking for peace. But I was so hurt. I had hardened myself. I had actually put myself into more abuse and didn't even realize it until I was saying I do to a stranger. Yeah. Yes, y'all. I married the rebound. I did. Woo woo woo. So yeah, I did. However, in me marrying the rebound, it made me realize just how much I was not being honest. That I was not allowing myself to heal. Let me say something gently. Unreleased hurt will leak. It leaks into relationships. It leaks into your tone. It leaks into patience. It leaks into your trust. I was leaking on that man. And the more I got into it with him, he was leaking on me too. We were leaking on one another. Looking for someone that bandages up. But sometimes you're wounded and wounds that aren't processed become walls. I remember thinking it was a point where I was saying, maybe my my standards are too my I just have high standards now. I was so messed up that I thought that because I couldn't help him or like him enough, my standards were too high. No, I just didn't like him. I wasn't attracted to him. He did things I didn't like. His character was not what I would have aligned with. But if I'm honest, some of it was fear. Fear of being blindsided again. Fear of being vulnerable again. Fear of being disappointed again. And fear can disguise itself as wisdom. I was afraid. No, you afraid of being alone, K. If you don't create space to process pain, your nervous system stays in defense. You become hyper-aware, you become hyperbil You become hyper-aware, you become hyper-viligent. You become hyper-independent. I was all those things that's still functioning. In a relationship, now a marriage that I knew was unsanctioned by God. This is my choice, and it's horrible. It's worse than what I left. And then when healthy love approaches, because you know you get to a point where you come out of I came out of that, right? I recover from that. And now I don't know how to identify healthy love. Because it's it feels unfamiliar. Because calm feels suspicious when you use the chaos. I didn't know how to receive anything. And this is the part where you realize that, oh, now that I've gotten out of it. I got through it. I got through the marriage that shouldn't have that shouldn't have been, but it definitely showed me myself. I got through a second miscarriage. I got through it. Now I'm on the other side. Now I'm in the process of healing. And now I don't really know what love is. I don't really know how to allow God into this space with me. I don't know how to not feel bad and shame and guilt and frustration. And I feel like I just need to ask God for forgiveness continuously. But in that, God is like, you gotta forgive yourself too. I've forgiven you. So now let's talk about forgiveness. Because in Ephesians 4, verses 31-32 tells us to let go of bitterness and forgive as Christ forgave us. So in my forgiveness, yes, I'm we ask God to forgive us so we feel guilty, right? Of the things that we participated in. But then we have to forgive those who participated in it with us. Then we let's let's switch it. We have to forgive ourselves for participating in it. And then forgive those who participated in it with us. Maybe that's a lot to unfold. But I had to gently digest it. Because I was aware of it, y'all. I saw it clear. Excuse me. But forgiveness is often misunderstood. So forgiveness is not saying I didn't matter, saying it didn't matter, inviting someone back into access, pretending it didn't wound you. That's not forgiveness. That's you just slowing down the process because you want something that feels comfortable. Feels familiar instead of going after the unfamiliar love because you're not used to it. Forgiveness is you are releasing your right to revenge, releasing the need to replay it, releasing emotional debt. I had to release her ex-husband. Married her. I had to release him. And I wasn't I didn't want a revenge, I just wanted to be away from her, I just wanted to be divorced. I just wanted it all away. I had to release my son's father. But that one took a process, y'all ain't gonna lie about it. And we're gonna learn about that in more episodes to come. It took me a time to release my son's father. Or to forgive, to release, to forgive him and release him. Forgiveness happens in layers. You forgive, then something triggers you, then you forgive again, then that's not failure, that's process. So the forgiveness looks like when I got through the divorce, and I'm back to work now, and as life is starting to normalize, I run into my son's father, and I never forget walking out of Highland Bakery in Atlanta, Georgia. Oh my god, it used to be the best brunch spot to everything. And I'm walking out of there and I'm standing at the corner and waiting for the car. It was a car approaching, and the car stopped at the stop sign, and I said, I looked and he looked at me and I said, I just screamed, no God, no. Out of all the days, I don't believe in coincidences. I don't. I believe everything is purposed, everything is for its time, right? He looks at me, he rolls down the window, and he says, Get in the car. Now, mind you, this is a man that I I was in love with. I just thought we were gonna be together forever. As husband and wife, like it was we was gonna be everything, business part, we were gonna glow up together, right? And I get in the car and I'm still so guarded that wall is still there. Now it's uh it's like Fort Knox, because I got the trauma and pain and all the emotional turmoil turmoil from our our relationship on top of this ex-husband relationship and now divorced, it's like my life within a year and a half too, went through so many catastrophic emotional things, it's nothing but the grace of God that I'm still standing here. I'm being able to sit here and share this story, this testimony with y'all, because I'm not giving y'all all of what then sends me of going through the processes part. And then I didn't mention I lost two pregnancies. So a wall, it was more like Fort Knox uh underground steel uh barricaded. I was all the I was guarded beyond measure. But I was able to tell him what I did, and he looked at me and he said, I was gonna marry you. I was I just looked at him and said, shut up. Like, he said, You married the rebound? He said, No, you have sex with the rebound. You go do get drunk with the rebound, do things with the rebound. You don't marry the rebound. One thing for sure, two things for certain, he was right about that. Not saying the sex part, but definitely don't marry the rebound. I was desperate. That was that Rihanna song, we met in a desperate place. He found love in a desperate place. I remember that that verse in that song. And every time I would hear that song, that song, when it was out, I was that's the season I was in. And I just said, wow. And it reminded me of the choices I'll make when you're desperate, the things that you do. Running from yourself, running from forgiving yourself, running from looking at yourself and admitting what you've done and what you participated in because you just feel so ugly and not realizing that. God is so merciful, so gracious, and he's already forgiven us if we just like the old folks say, repent. And I think a lot of us didn't even know what repent meant. Some of us probably don't know what it means now. Repent just means to have a change of thought, a godly change of thought. to turn away from what you're doing. But when they say repent, it comes off so fing bad of and so strict and so rigorous, so hard. I didn't think that God would ever forgive me, especially on top of losing my pregnancies. So if you're in a place and you are struggling with forgiving yourself, asking God asking God for forgiveness and forgiving yourself and forgiving those who participated in it with you or did it to you I ask you to give yourself some grace and that even when forgiving them you may say it's not easy for me to forgive them because you don't know what they did to me. Like I just told you I didn't give you I didn't give y'all all the details of every part of those relationships of what was done to me and even what I did to them. My husband I manipulated her I knew that I didn't really want to be with him in my heart of hearts but I just didn't have the courage I was a coward. Oh I'm healing up I'm whole enough to say that I'm not saying that to Brad he did it to me it was vice versa We just have to get to a point in our lives ladies that we have to be real enough so that God can come in and make us whole and purify us from that sanctify us from that redeem us from that way of thinking that way of being that way of talking that way of living because it doesn't align with peace with love with joy with contentment And when we release it doesn't have to it hasn't have to be dramatic When I separated from my ex it wasn't dramatic um now my son's father I was dramatic um but my ex-husband no it wasn't dramatic too dramatic it was dramatic enough my mom had to come get me however it was it's quiet it looks like not checking their page so when you're releasing somebody not checking their page anymore not rewriting conversations in your head what I could have done this is the matter oh if I would've done this better when you release something that you know that was not good for you you don't check for it no more don't check for it anymore no not explaining yourself to people who misunderstood you thought you was married why I thought you was with him why I thought you were y'all together oh what happened oh I thought Simple we're not together no more That's it it looks like choosing peace over proving your point you don't have to prove nothing to nobody you don't have to tell nobody nothing if you don't want to you can debt it right when it began when they started to ask because a lot of times people being petty being messy sometimes people being used by the enemy and don't even know it. So that's why discernment is in highly important when you're releasing release what hurt you does not erase the lesson though it integrates it. You can carry wisdom without carrying weight you can move forward without pretending it didn't affect you. That's emotional health that's growth if you've been carrying something heavy a betrayal a disappointment a heartbreak today I want you to say this softly that hurt me and then say but it will not define me you don't have to rush healing but you do have to allow it become it free if you're choosing least and remember awaken the wide eye woman within before you go I just want to say thank you for being here and choosing to spend this time with me. It really means more than you know. If this episode spoke to you in any way the best way you can support the Big Eye Girl podcast is by simply following the show right here where you are listening. That way you never miss a conversation because new episodes drop every week. And if something you heard today made you think of another woman in your life a friend a sister a coworker share this episode with her. You truly never know how a conversation can shift someone's perspective or give them exactly what they needed to hear at that right time. This space is about growth honesty and seeing life through a bigger wider lens and it only grows stronger when we bring other women into it so follow share and keep the conversation going beyond this episode until next time stay open stay hopeful and keep living