I Deserve Healthy LOVE

What if what you called love… was actually confusion?

In this episode, we unpack unhealthy patterns, emotional safety, and what real love should feel like.

You deserve consistency.

You deserve clarity.

You deserve peace.

It’s time to raise your standard.

Comment “PEACE.”

Awaken the wide-eyed woman within.

Transcript

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Hello beautiful. Take a breath. You're exactly where you need to be. Welcome to the Big Eye Girl Podcast, a space for real conversations, honest reflection, and learning how to see life through a bigger, wider lens. I'm so glad you're here. Whether you press play because you're searching for clarity, growth, or just a moment to breathe and feel seen, you're in the right place. And around here, we talk about things that shape us the challenges, the shifts, the lessons, and the quiet moments in between that often matter the most. This is a space where you don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to be open. So wherever you are right now, driving, walking, or just sitting with your thoughts, settle in. Take what you need from this conversation and allow yourself to see things a little differently today. Let's get into it. I remember being in something that looked like love, but didn't feel like peace. There was communication, but it was inconsistent. There was connection, but it felt confusing. There were moments of clarity followed by long stretches of silence. And I kept telling myself, maybe this is just how relationships are. Maybe you've said that too. Maybe you've excused inconsistency, minimized red flags, waited for potential to become reality. Not because you're naive, because you wanted it to work. And here's the hard truth I had to face. I wasn't just accepting unhealthy love. I had normalized it. Can we slow this down? Because 1 Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4 through 7 gives us clear picture of love. Love is patient, love is kind, it's not confusing, it's not chaotic, it's not inconsistent. Let me say that again. Slower. Love does not produce confusion. So if you're constantly feeling anxious, uncertain, emotionally unstable, there's not there's no love growing. That's your nervous system reacting. And I had to learn that the hard way. Like these three major relationships in my life. That were who and the first of the trifecta is my son's father. We well, we're eight years apart. Um, I was 21, 21 or 22. I think it was, yeah, it was between 21 and 22 when we met. And I'm 40 plus years old right now, so clock it. I some people say, you know, you were just young, you were naive. Yeah. But like I just said before, love is patient, love is kind, it's not confusing, it's not chaotic, it's consistent, and he was showing me things of love, but the inconsistency was a big thing. The communication was there, but inconsistent with that. Was I safe? Not emotionally. So I had moments where I would just stick it out. I would deal with it, I would ignore the red flags. And when he said he needed space because he would just, you know, I just need space, I need to got things to do, and I need to, you know, work on this, I gotta go do this, and la. I'm like you gotta do all these things at really opportune times, and then you're gone for uh just enough time to spend with someone else to spin them off to circle back to me. All this went on for years. It has it has gone on for years. Until I started to set up boundaries. Well that's when I reali I realized the confusion wasn't well. And it hurt Oh, it hurt something bad. Let me ask you something, gentlemen. Why did you stay? Not to judge yourself, but to understand yourself. Sometimes we stay because we're afraid to start over, we see potential, we we remember the good moments, we don't want to feel alone again, and sometimes we don't believe healthy love will choose us. That's the deeper layer. Because in my big age now, that is the reality. That's a that's one of my truths. I did not believe that I could have real love, that real love, healthy love, not just say real, healthy love would choose me. If it wasn't from religion saying that I wasn't pure, you know, you're not a virgin, and I'm currently reading a book and that's flowing, that's imploding my mind, it's called Golly Dayton 101. Shout out to Tavaras and Safi, it's a couple that wrote this book. When I say, the way that they broke down, you know, we hear purity, but how if he was raised in a church and under religion, um, the church I attend has changed church here in Georgia. Shout out to PD, Pastor Darius, and Shamika Daniels, they are the goats. And in our church, we believe the third way, which is liberating. Because I was introduced to the third way, kingdom way of of being, right? So, how I'm tying this into my podcast right now is I believe that I know why I settled because how I was taught about purity, it would just focus on sex. Don't have sex before marriage. If you have sex before marriage, you you you committed this the sin of sins, and God is not gonna look, um, he's gonna look down upon you, and and you're not gonna be, you're gonna have basically it made you put you in this pattern of trying to prove your righteousness to God, that you're worthy of being called his child, that you, you know, you're unclean and and you will never strive to be in to obtain purity. But in the book I've I've read, and purity it elaborates it so much on how we live our lives, and I've heard the saying, I've lived the same, living a sanctified life, you know, set apart, set apart that even if you're not taught it in its totality, a lot of us are taught it and it's not complete. Like PD has so many times elaborate when we're in our teachings at the church in the um blueprint. A lot of us have been, we're unlearning, especially if we grew up in the church, we're unlearning and learning that it's a bigger picture, it's a revelation, it's a fullness to it. And we have a lot of us were taught part of it. And the part was to like basically keep us in inside the pen. So we wouldn't be outside with all you know the goats and the sheep together. You know, you stay over here, you stay over here, but anywho, anywho, I digress. For me, that was a hang up. Because I was like, you know, I've done things that people don't know I've done. I've had impure thoughts, I've done sexual things with people, and God is not gonna want to use me. And who am I? I'm I'm a hypocrite and all the things, right? That kept me in a place of thinking that who would want to love someone like me. Not knowing that slowly that was chipping away at my confidence, my self-esteem, my willingness to believe not just in myself but in God. That's the deeper layer. Because if you don't feel worthy of consistency, you will tolerate inconsistency. If you don't feel worthy of peace, you would normalize anxiety. And if you don't feel secure internally, you will attach to instability externally. That's not weakness, that's something that can be healed. Let's connect this to something deeper. Your body knows before your mind admits when something isn't right, your chest tightens, your thoughts race, your sleep is disrupted, your mood shifts. But if you're used to chaos, that feeling can feel normal. I had to learn this slowly. If I feel anxious consistently, that's information. That's my body want to make me aware of something. I need to ask myself, what's going on? How do I feel? Why do I feel this? What caused me to feel like this? If I feel like I have to overthink everything, that's information. That's my mind saying, is this too much right now? What can you do right now? Do you have to put a pause here? Can you set that date for a later date and not this week? I feel like I have to earn consistency. That's information. You have to earn consistency? Well, just be consistent. Schedule yourself, find structure, get a calendar, write it out. Say you're gonna do this, when you're gonna do it, and begin small. That's not overreacting, that's awareness. And awareness is a part of healing. Healthy love will not require you to abandon your peace to keep it. No, I want you to be consistent with me. Once I see that you're not consistent with me, yeah, um I can't be with you no more. Not in a relationship, not intimate. We can be platonic, definitely not monogamous, and we may not be able to be platonic. That's just being real. Because I want to know that I can depend on you. Or you can be or you can be mature enough to be to communicate that you can't. Standards are not about control. I remember hearing Pete say, your standard, sisters, is is is like the the bottom. And when he said that, when I say I agree with that, that is something that I have believed and I thought that I was maybe didn't have the the language to express it, but I always like the standard is like where you supposed to meet me at. The goal is what we're I want, like I want goals, like where your goals at? The standard is what we meet. The foundation, what you built on, what I'm built on. It's like, you know, what they say, she can shoot, she can meet me at the table. Exactly. That's the standard. I can bring a table to your table. That's not me controlling nothing, that's letting you know that I have something to offer as well as you. They're about alignment. We gotta be aligned. We gotta know that our foundation is right. It's that is steady, it's solid. So that's all right. I don't know, okay. Healthy love looks like consistency, clarity, accountability, emotionally safety. I said something to one of my trifactors, my last one. Maybe if they ever hear this podcast, everybody gonna be like this woman. They know I ain't lying though. I got receipts. I tell my ex-fiance, I said I want to feel safe with you. It's important to me. And he was like, I ain't never hurt you. We don't argue, I'll put my hands on you, I don't abuse you, I don't talk to you in this type of way. I said, but on my emotions say what I'm feeling and what I'm saying, do you know how to go to that place? Do you know how to go to God and ask God, what does she mean? What does she mean by that? And what if God, you go to when you go to God and you ask those questions and God says to you, you haven't dealt with your own, so you have to let her know that you don't have it. That'll help me. What do you know? That's accountability. Not perfection, not but steadiness. This is where things shift. When you raise your standards, you may have to release what no longer meets them. No, I'm not key back from the that well somebody who can make ten times more money than my daddy did as a hustler. That was my truth for a very long time. I don't even want to hustle. The hustles that I was I'm referring to. Y'all don't want a drug dealer. I don't want you doing nothing. Nothing illegal anyway. I gotta hustle, you know, I gotta hustler attitude. Is it purpose-driven? I've grown. I can identify a hustler, I can identify the one that's struggling to release and to obtain the new. And I don't want to help fix you in that place either. Just speaking. Leasing will no longer mean stem. That's the hard part, yo. Because sometimes the person you care about is not the person aligned for you. I care for my ex-fiance. I care for my son's father. I can honestly say my ex-s but I don't care for him. And people are like, that's me. No, that is not true. I know. I love with the love of the Lord, like uh respectful, kind. But other than that, I don't even talk to him. We never talked in. It's been because it wasn't nothing it was supposed to have been. That one, that situation always, it's almost like God blotted that from my own my whole consciousness, really. The scars of that, all that. Because in that space in my life, I think I was the most honest with God in it. In what I deserve, and what love is, because I knew I was with someone who didn't even understand me. Didn't even know me. I was a catch. And I was actually a turnoff. Look, that's it. You can love someone and still walk away, man. My ex-fiance. I loved him. I love him. I'm not in love with him. I love him. But I still walked away from him. Because peace is not negotiable. Choosing healthy love means you don't chase mixed signals, you don't overexplain your needs, you don't stay where you're confused. You choose what feels stable, clear, respectful. And sometimes choosing different means choosing yourself first. That's not selfish. That's wise. So if you're if you've been settling for confusion, let this be your shift. You deserve love that feels safe. You deserve love that feels clear. You deserve love that reflects God's heart. So comedy if you choose it, it means awake in the Y. Before you go, I just want to say thank you for being here and choosing to spend this time with me. It really means more than you know. If this episode spoke to you in any way, the best way you can support the Big Eye Girl Podcast is by simply following the show right here where you are listening. That way you never miss a conversation. Because new episodes drop every week. And if something you heard today made you think of another woman in your life, a friend, a sister, a coworker, share this episode with her. You truly never know how a conversation can shift someone's respect or give them exactly what they needed to hear at that right time. This space is about growth, honesty, and seeing life through a bigger, wider length. And it only grows stronger when we bring other women into it. So follow, share, and keep the conversation going beyond this episode. Until next time, stay open, stay hopeful, and keep living wide eye.